Disclaimer: This post is going to sound like rambling and going nowhere, and it will probably get nowhere. My apologies in advance. You may not believe this, but it's often that I don't make sense. It's just that I'm too good at censoring myself why you didn't see it before.
I've added another blog to the short list of blogs I check from time to time. Its name is unBethical behaviour, and I confess I'm enjoying it (It's quite NSFW; if you're easily offended, and I'm not talking about the pictures, then save yourself the pain. Although I'm sure that if you're easily offended, after my saying this, you may think that's not going to happen to me. It's okay, I've heard that before.)
Reading it has brought to my mind many memories of when I joined SL. Memories of when I was someone absolutely unknown that felt completely free to explore herself. Just a few days after I joined, I opened this blog. I thought that I could be free in here, too, and write about my feelings (real ones or not - yes, that makes sense), fantasies and what I was living here. But the reality of who I am didn't allow me to go too far.
There's this dilemma inside me: As a human, I would like to share, just as others do. I see it daily. People telling all sorts of things to complete strangers. From what they had for breakfast, to how desperate they feel (or they think they feel). Too often I've felt the need of telling what was happening inside me. But the hammer of my self censorship slams on me every time I try. That's how I ended up publishing only the feed archive, the magazine articles, tutorials... and not much else.
So, on one side, I want to share, but on the other side, I am constantly telling myself you own the words that you do not say, telling myself anything you say may and will be used against you. There's clearly fear in here. Fear that blocks me from a form of expression that I need so much in my life. Probably, fear to be social, to be acknowledged. I fear people and I need from people at the same time. I also fear that I will not be able to write something coherent, with as few logic flaws as possible. I fear that my feelings could make me write things that I will later regret. When I want to write about something sensitive, I've reprimanded myself, and who do you think you are, do you think you are any better?.The only answer I've found is silence.
But silence has a price. Silence kills my imagination, and with that, my chances to survive.
I suppose that I feel too old, too tired, to be arguing with others. In fact, I find it pointless most of the times. It's rare that an argument over the Internet finishes into something different than each side feeling stronger about their own ideas, narrowing their horizons. Because it's very naive to think that if you make something public, everybody will agree with you. And I feel I have better things to do than pointlessly arguing.
See, I told you I would start going nowhere. I've lost my point, if I ever had a point before starting to write this.
So, sharing... At times I would like to show other aspects of myself.
Did you know, for example, that I've written a few (quite short) erotic stories? Probably you didn't, and I even won a prize for two of them. But it happens, just too often and in the mind of many, that when a woman starts revealing her sexuality, then that's all she's reduced to, in the mind of those many. I don't mean here that I would start showing what I do in bed and how I feel it. Others do it, and I'm jealous of their bravery. I'm too shy for that. I thought of overcoming that shyness by writing stories that I would illustrate with pictures prepared for that in SL. But then again, the fear. Will people stop seeing the scripter in me, the teacher, the mesh creator, the pose creator, the terrible friend, if I start depicting sex? And this is going to bite me soon in the future, as my poses enter more into the erotic field.
And it's sad. It's sad that as soon as sex is mentioned, or shown, we start giggling like pre-teens, pointing, laughing and judging, according to our own level of repression. It's really sad that as soon as sex shows up, then sex is all we can see in a person. I try not to fall into this, but I also try not to fall into the hypocrisy of believing that people are everybody else, excluding me.
There are more things I'd like to do. I have to confess, since Ansel and I have a definitive home at the store sim, I'm enjoying more and more to play Barbie. For him. You may find this to be stupid for an adult to do, and I will just smile, letting you live in your prejudices. If you've already judged, I'm not going to tell you what you could be missing on.
Often I would like to share some of those outfits, with credits, but I end up thinking Ah well, so many fashion bloggers, and you wouldn't even be current.
And at times, I'd just like to be all passive aggressive about what pisses me off. In this society, calling someone out because of their stupid is frowned upon and pointed as bad manners. In this society, everything seems to be about manners, not about being a good person, if you allow me the rough generalization. Often I feel that being passive aggressive is the only I have left. But I also don't like to imply, to say something in a hidden way. So I just roll my eyes, a lot, daily. And I keep all that for myself.
How did all this happen? How and when did I allow for society to turn me into such docile person? Is it because I'm tired of arguing with idiots? Is it because I am the idiot, who believes that others are idiots? (See what I told you.)
So today, I'm going to do just a little bit of all that I don't allow myself to do in public. You will roll your eyes because I feel shy about showing pictures like the following ones:
IMAGE: Beauty #1, in Flickr
SL is so full of pictures of naked avatars, why do I feel shy about these? I'm not even completely naked!
IMAGE: Beauty #2, in Flickr
I feel shy because, after all this time in this virtual world, and having developed some real connections with people here, particularly, with Ansel... I no longer feel that my avatar is just pixels, but an extension of myself. If she is naked, I am showing you something... from myself. And that's quite of a scary thought for me.
IMAGE: Beauty #3, in Flickr
I'll end up with the outfit (or lack of...) credits.
Mesh body: Lara, from Maitreya
Mesh hands: Lara's hands, from Maitreya
Mesh feet: Slink High feet, from Slink
Mesh eyelids: Slink Mesh eyelids photo prop, from Slink
Skin: Lulu 02 C, Jamaica, from Glam Affair
Lipstick: Sylvia 02 F, from Glam Affair
Freckles: Cassiopea Cosmetics, A (tn), from Glam Affair
Hair: Girl about town, from Milk hair
Headpiece: Melursa Headpiece, Gold, from Keystone
Panties: Lycia, Black, from Baiastice
Shoes: Zest Pumps, Black, for Slink High feet, from Maitreya
Collar: Halonai, Collar with Leash, from Losthaven
Poses: Beauty, sets #1 and #2, Black Tulip (so, yes, mines)
It's been difficult to promise myself, I would publish this, no matter what I ended up saying. But now it's done, so all that's left for me to say, for now, is... Have a good day :-)