Fantasy Faire will open tomorrow, and I have a feeling of having failed to myself. Sure, I've setup in time, followed guidelines, had the required new items for the event (and one more)... Then, what happened? What happened is that I had planned several sets basically since I was accepted, my ideas were clear... and I could not put myself to the task. I've ended up doing just a small fraction of what I planned, which leaves in my mouth that taste of "failed goal".
Maybe my mind was in some sort of panic attack. I tend to "celebrate" the strangest anniversaries, and today is the anniversary of the fire in my area, which I haven't been able of forgetting since several days.
A year ago, right at this time of the day, I didn't know yet if my house had been reached by the fire, or if the cat I couldn't find because I was forced to evacuate and leave, was okay. I think that among the scariest things I've heard in my life, you have to leave now! is one of them.
In the end, nothing happened to me: the gardens of the neighbours next to me were affected by the fire, some houses were burned, and the mountain that once was green because of the pines, died. It was heartbreaking to see everything the next day, once we were allowed to be back to our homes.
That was a close call. How close, I don't know, nor I think it's relevant to the anxiety that didn't abandon me since then. I've always had high regard for firemen, and even more, since that day.
But Auryn! How come something major happens in your life, and you don't talk about it?
I know, right?
Actually, I did talk about this with some people. Not many, that's true. One of those people basically told me that since nobody had been dead or injured, that was all to know about the topic; else if what I wanted was to be dramatic, then let's talk about real drama and insert here an it's all about me story, showing how what happened to you was actually nothing.
That's pretty much the reason why I barely tell anything. It's bad enough being an introvert and keeping almost everything to yourself because you don't want to bother others. When you finally open your mouth, you want to be actually listened. But that exchange had one good thing. I told this person that I was feeling stupid and the conversation was over. The conversation did indeed finish at that point. For good.
After the fire and once anxiety settled in a permanent state, I needed some time to realize that I was falling again into some old bad habits, particularly, the habit of sabotaging myself. It's time, once again to rebuild myself. Fortunately, I don't have to start in the awful place where I was three years ago (for long before). I think it's good to realize that you can and indeed fall again into bad habits, because it makes yourself accepting less excuses to continue indulging in them. At least, it happens in my case.
Not all things are bad today, though. Despite the memories of the event, one year ago, life went on. And as it turns out, I'm now part of the customer service that works for Dutchie, quite of a well known store in SL. I will be also doing work in the technical field. So, yay me! This new job doesn't scare me, and I hope that I will continue to grow in the direction I want to, thanks to interacting with people. Don't be scared of talking to me if you have problems!
Have a great day :-)
Mesh body: Lara, from Maitreya
Mesh hands: Lara's hands, from Maitreya
Mesh feet: Lara's feet, from Maitreya
Skin: Lulu 02 C, Jamaica, from Glam Affair
Freckles: Cassiopea Cosmetics, A (tn), from Glam Affair
Lipstick: Leah lipstick 22, from Glam Affair
Eyes: Phantom eyes, Revenge, from Dead Apples
Hair: Marina, Roots/Blood, from Catwa
Top: Ornate dress, black top and transparent skirt, from Pixicat
Bottoms: Valda of Wolfbarrow, Fire set, from The White Armory (TWA)
Boots: Lace-up Gladiator sandals, black, from Ison
Magical staff, Effects and Poses: The Magician #1 (first photo) The Magician #3 (second photo), Black Tulip (mine), coming tomorrow for Fantasy Faire.
Windlight: [TOR] FOGGY - Silent Heck