Sunday, November 10, 2013

Relationships in SL

Yes, I am in one. This may come as a surprise for many, since I've chosen not to make a public TV drama show from it in the SL Feed, and normally I'm quite cynical when I witness the next display of "I will love you forever". But there's a "he", and whether you see him or not in my photos (often, no), he's always there. That matters to me.

However, I haven't brought this up because I am now going to talk about us. I am not going to do so. Whatever happens between he and me, belongs to us and only to us. Whatever I feel, that's for him to know, and it will be my deeds, not my words, which will tell him the truth.

I've brought the topic up trying to warm myself for one of my long rambling posts (which is not this one, although it could seem like it.)

Whenever I see a new relationship starting in the SL Feed, I feel a mix. On one side, I empathize. I like to see people in love. I like to think that when people are in love, involved in living it, they will not be busy making others miserable. I admit, this may be a very simplistic and naive way of looking at it.

But despite of what we say, love never lasts forever, and the passion it starts with, lasts for even less time. I see this constantly. Some couples that are married for twenty or more years (or less!), feel now that "forever" is more like a sentence. Some of them escape, others decide that staying together might be the lesser evil and so die together. Few are the ones that pass the test of time, and are able of living always by the other's side.

Scientific medicine sure played a bad prank to the ideal of romantic love forever, when it prolonged our life expectancy an average of two point five times. It was easy to love forever when you were going to die at your 30's, if lucky. Although to be honest, I prefer the perspective of living long and healthy, than dying horribly sick at 25 but oh, so in love.

I also don't feel I'm inconsistent by claiming that "I will love you forever" is a lie while at the same time I'm involved with someone else. By taking that claim off from the equation, I know that the success of the relationship will be highly related to the result of a team work, and not of any magical influence, call it "fate", "the planets were aligned", "we were meant to be" or "the tooth fairy made it". Working on it doesn't assure you any success (Chemistry has its own rules), but the alternative, believing that "we are meant to be", "we're soul mates", will only lead you to frustration and denial once problems arise. And they will. They always do. Repeating "but we're soul mates!" will not magically solve them.

Anyway, I digress...

As I was saying, whenever I see a new relationship starting in the SL Feed, I feel a mix. Yes, I like to know that people fall in love. Up to some point, I like to look at it. But when I witness the pattern, the questions begin to pop in my mind. Each of us in SL knows that the perception of time is different inworld. Everything seems to happen faster. Relationships begin in a torrid wave and end in a hurtful storm. Each time we say that this time, this is our love forever, and each time it is not. Each time, forever lasts an average of three weeks, six months for the lucky ones.

Then why make it public each time? What's the purpose? Why do we need to repeat publicly "I love you"? Shouldn't those words be saved only for the one deserving them? Do we want to make everybody else jealous because, this time, we've found "the love of our life"?

Of course, when the bubble bursts, the situation turns ugly. There's the break up, and that alone hurts. There are all the photos that now are telling people "we failed", which adds to the injury. And there will be future photos from your ex, this time with someone else. More pain and resentment.

I would like to understand, why, if we all know this, we continue to expose ourselves constantly, voluntarily, to all the extra pain that could be easily avoided. I, for one, don't get it. I would like to understand. Please feel free to add your comments about.

PS: I am the one that in meetings with friends (in RL) says "if you take a photo from me and upload it to Facebook/Flickr/anywhere, you will need surgery to have the camera device removed from your colon". Classy. Ladylike. That's me.

PPS/ADDITION: I feel I have to add this clarification. I'm not coming here to judge what is right or wrong. My curiosity is sincere. If there are 500 different cases, I want to know about all of them. All the nuances. I would hate to simplify what it might be complex and has a different answer per person.


  1. The above, is ome of the reasons i haven't got a longterm permanent relation with anyone, in Second Life.
    However, there are a few, of whom i am very very fond of, & sometimes am intimate with, which, i think, is more fair, given i do warn those i am with, in advance, that there will be no single-bound, permanent relation..But lots oh hugs, cuddles & general contendly liking of their precence .

    Yours Sincere,

    Hysshia Resident

    1. One possible explanation for the sappy public display of affection is the need for one to 'mark' his/her territory. This discourages others from pursuing your love interest and telling them to back off. Good strategy that my partner employs. Shhhhh :)
      - Janus Proto

    2. @Hyssia: If you warn since the beginning, they can't accuse you of having mislead them. Well, they may do anyway, but at least you know that you're not the one to blame :-)

      I wish everybody was honest about that, like you've said here you do.

    3. @Janus: That makes sense... Although at times, it may have the contrary effect. Like for example, an anecdote I told about in my SL feed.

      My first partner in SL was a girl. We are friends, and we wanted to send a message of "back off!" The effect achieved was a little... the contrary. I've never been asked more than then if I would join a threesome, in my whole life. I don't know how others would take this, but I laughed at the situation.

      Nowadays, likely I would see that coming (or not!), but I'm always too naive, and it takes me ages to learn these things :-) (At least I laugh when the unexpected happens.)